Abandonment

Since I started my Svadhisthana tapas I’m crossing the Tropic of Capricorn for the third time. I wrote in the previous post about the connection between this chakra and this astrological sign. I parked tonight at the spot marked as line of the Tropic, exactly the same place as six days ago when I was going to explore the south part of the Northern Territory of Australia with Alice Springs and Uluru. This night which I spent here, six days ago was special – first,  it was a very cold night, coldest since my stay in South New Zealand. From 30 degrees during the day the temperature dropped to 5-6 degrees during the night. Warm clothes and blanket saved me this time. Other special thing was that I had many dreams that night. I have a feeling that I was sleeping and resting, but dreaming all night.

The dream

In most of my dreams that night there was a woman. I knew she was my partner or lover, but she wasn’t anyone specific from the ‘real’ world. In this dream she was discouraged and upset with me. Although I knew she still have some feelings towards me, she also had another lover who in her eyes was interesting and attractive. She wanted to explore this new relation and be with him. So through all my dreams that night she was leaving me and telling me goodbye.

In our dreams we can often experience strong emotional states, often states which are suppressed during our awaken part of life. Often, we can experience hided in our subconsciousness fears or desires. This night I experienced feelings of being rejected and feelings of abandonment. I was felling sad and hopeless.

 

Abandonment

Abandonment is a fear of becoming disconnected to our attachment, which usually means being left by someone who is an important figure in our life or to be cut off from that person. In this way we can say that this fear corresponds with Svadhisthana chakra, which one of the roles is to stay connected with others, and produce a feeling of belonging.

One who experiences abandonment, feels undesired, left behind, insecure, discarded. Emotional abandonment also has a biological impact and can create physical pain. People who are experiencing this fear in their daily life were often exposed as a child to losing a parent through death or divorce as well as inadequate emotional or physical care. This fear often causes struggle with mood swings or anger. It negatively influences ones self esteem and effects with possessiveness and strong, usually unfounded, jealousy in relationships.

 

My fear

Till now, I was thinking I’m not afraid of abandonment. Growing up with an influential father, who is astrologically triple fire sign, I rather developed a fear of loosing my independency and freedom, which is quite opposite to abandonment. This night and hours spend in the car driving through the wilderness of Australia’s outback when thinking and analyzing, showed me that I wasn’t aware of all the truth.

I experienced a strong state of abandonment in 2011. It was a reaction on being unable to create a healthy relationship with my partner at that time, a woman who I deeply desired. I needed to face the fact that our principles were very different and also that she was meeting secretly with other men. I was trying to be tough and go through it like a man. Nevertheless I experienced lots of physical pain, loss of appetite, negative moods and thoughts through a significant period of time.

This event had a strong impact on me. It effected all my relations since that time. It amplified dramatically my need of independence and freedom. At the same time I discovered open relationships and started exploring my sexuality with multiple partners. With time, my need of independency became a fear, fear of loosing this freedom which I have recently gained. Although I wasn’t consciously aware of the fear, it determined my choices and behaviours through the next years after the event. I wasn’t able to build long, intimate connections. What was happening was that I was sabotaging all the relations since the moment attachment was starting to take place. If gentle sabotage wasn’t enough I was becoming nasty till the point that my partner had enough of such a person in her life.

 

Meeting Charlena

My method works until I meet Charlena. This time I found an opponent of my weight. Her karma was to lose her father in a young age, which effected in the presence of the fear of abandonment. Feeling great attraction towards each other and exceptional connection, we spent two years together, nevertheless we couldn’t create a healthy way of relating. Driven by our fears, we ended up in a spiral of huge fighting and drama. I was doing everything to destroy all feelings of security in her. I was constantly putting her down and triggering her fear in all possible ways. How the spiral works, she was being afraid even more and clinging to the idea of relationship which is giving security even more.

Eventually we were both afraid of abandonment, we just had different strategies of dealing with the fear. Her strategy was to hold very tight to attachment and mine, to destroy every possibility of the other person becoming attached to me. That was the reason I would constantly repeat to  her, that we are not in a relationship and I was openly meeting with other women when we were apart from each other. That was creating lots of pain and stress for her, which at this time blinded by my fear and strategy of dealing with it, I couldn’t realize. I believed her fear was ridiculous and my job is to show it no mercy and destroy it. It didn’t work. I was wrong.

 

Second time

This situation changed in January 2018, just before our tour around Australia which we had planed a few months before. Charlena, feeling tired and hopeless that anything will change between us went to Bali to spend some time with a man with whom she was flirting for some time. My first thought was, great. I’ll get rid of the problem of her attachment and will fell free. I took her to the airport and wished good luck.

Flirt become very fast a legitimate relationship. I totally didn’t expect this kind of situation. What happened with me is that i felt the same feelings of abandonment as I did 7 years ago. With the pain all over my body and fever, reckless thoughts and an emotional roller coaster. Again, I was trying to be tough but this situation turned my reality upside down. I was in shock at how attached I was to her and how I didn’t realised it, because of my fears.

 

Wake up

That was a big wake up call for me. I realised that my idea of discrediting relationships wasn’t coming from any elevated place. I believed that relationships are just a low form of attachment related to Svadhisthana chakra, and as a yogi I should be above that. Actually that was my fear. The hardest part was realising and admitting how much harm I made by my ignorant behaviours towards my partner and eventually to my-self.

 

What I’ve learned

We are all afraid of loosing someone who we love. It is a normal, human thing. Sooner or later we will need to say goodbye to everyone. Accept people who are coming in to your life. Appreciate them, they are here for some reason. There is no need to sabotage and destroy relations with those who you love, hoping that this will save you the pain when they will be gone. Enjoy those who are with you. Every moment. Show them your appreciation. Don’t be afraid to fall in love and to create attachment. Remember that every relation or attachment will be over one day. Be prepared, so when the day will come, you know that you’ve done your best. This is real detachment.

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